March 12th, Saturday morning, I had a dream.
One that I woke up almost in tears.
I remember sitting in the car, talking on the phone with you on the other end.
I was crying, listening to what you had to say.
I don't remember the exact words but I know you wanted to break up and that our dads weren't getting along.
I remember throwing a tantrum at Ming when he asked me what's wrong.
I woke up telling myself: It was just a dream.
I told you about the dream and you hugged me tight and you said:
"Why do you always have these weird dreams?"
I honestly don't know.
All I know was that I was genuinely scared.
I can't lose you. Period.
I haven't written in awhile, but today, I had to get this out.
I won't deny that I have never wonder what would happen if things really turn out that way, because I have.
I have never believed in fairy tales or happily ever afters, mainly because its bullshit.
As much as I wanted to believe in 'em, I just can't.
There is no such thing as forever.
People leave.
Whether its family, friends or lovers.
People die, people just walk out from your life whenever they want to, simply because they can.
People remain in your life because they chose to, and they make an effort to stay.
There is no such thing as - "As long as I love you, we can conquer the world"
That's bullshit too.
I can't help but think that, we are both going through different phases of life.
"Since y'all both families also know each other, ok lo can marry le lo, no problem le wei"
A friend once told me that, since we have "passed" this stage, you guys are forever.
I told him:
"What if one day, he/I finally stepped into society, and found out that what he/I want is not the same anymore?"
"What if one day, he/I has finally seen the world, and found out that he/I is not we want anymore?"
It may be stupid thinking about hypotheticals but I'm not some 16 years old girl that thinks that life is going to be all rainbows and hearts once you've found your prince charming.
The only conclusion that I can think of is that I'm scared of getting hurt again.
I don't think I can handle getting hurt again.
I don't think I am strong enough, even though I always act like I am (or always convince myself I am)
I can assure you that, it's not that I don't have confidence in us.
I can honestly say that, for as long as I can, I will be yours.
I'm just scared of the unknown, because I'm madly in love with you and I can't afford to lose you.
I'll crumble down, real bad.
Being with you is so easy and simple, I just have to be me.
I can be so comfortable and act like a child, and the best part is that you would be as childish as I am with me.
I don't think you know but recently I've realized that everything in my life revolves around you.
Every conversation I have with others, I'll either mention you or simply just think of you.
Anything that happens, no matter how big or small, I'll always think of you first.
Baby, I don't know what will happen in the future, but I'll say this:
"No matter what happens, I will always want you in my life, no wait, I will always need you in my life."
Thank you for not letting me go, thank you for taking another leap of faith to fight for us.
I promise that I will fight hard for us until you give up.
And thank you baby, for letting me fall in love with you all over again from time to time.
Whenever I feel uneasy or unsure, your words are always so comforting and will always remind me why I fell in love with you.
Like you said, I can't promise you forever, but I'll love you from the bottom of my heart for as long as I can.
Love, X
